DOGGY ISSUES.

Henry,my brother.

These are some of the problems faced by me and many dog owners.
If you are a dog owner, be ready to relate.
 If you are thinking to own a dog, BEWARE!
And if you love dogs, Welcome to Kalement. We have a lot of dog stuff here which you will love.
And also,we can be friends,as I love dogs too and I love the people who share the same interest.

Think dog owners have the best lives?
Think again.
This is what I thought before owning a dog when I was a dogless dog lover.
I had never been more wrong.

DOGGY ISSUES.

• Your hygiene would be effed.

Dogs show their affection by licking us.
Your Pooch will also lick your face to show you their love....after licking their bumhole.
Sweet? I think not.
Just letting you know they don't use toilet papers after defecating.

They would pick up random shits from the street, sniff potties and drains, lick their genitals and then lick you.
Just letting you know that they don't brush their teeth too( unless you make them do so which is difficult, extremely difficult.)
They will even pee on your bed and carpet.
But aren't dogs potty trained?
You have to train them and it takes time as they won't be born potty trained so till then, good luck cleaning it and throwing your carpets and mattresses away.
At night, they will penetrate their head deep into your bin to find food leftovers. Dirty.
Your house will be drenched by their fur and drool.
Including your food.
Their mouths are blackholes.
They eat anything and everything because they have strong moronic forces.
They will eat what they aren' t supposed to and puke it out.
Don't expect them to clean it.
Also, they walk around without shoes, so don't get slapped by their paw.
Adding on to this, even their ass smells.
But it's okay cause even yours(and mine) stink.
Admit it.

• R.I.P things.

My dachshund has murdered my retainers, shoes,clothes,utensils, stationaries, books, jewellery, furniture, wires, intestines, eyeballs and the list goes on and on.
The things broken by him outnumber the atoms present in the whole universe.
He made me broke.

• The mess is real.

If I had a dollar everytime my dog messed up my house, I would be richer than bill gates by now.

Lets make it more interesting.

If  my speed increased by one planck every time my dog messed up my house, I would be faster than gamma rays.
Planck length is 1.6 x10^-35

 metres. (That's 0.000000000000000000000000000000000016 meters.)
I love science. Bear with me.

• Cuteness sucks.

What do I mean by this?
Well.
After hearing me complain endlessly about my dog , the question arises:
Why don't I do anything about it?
I mean I could scold him and punish him but why don't I?

1. I will be charged for animal abuse.
2. I don't want to. I can't make myself do it to be precise.

You see, dogs have a beautiful face, and cute eyes which has the power to melt a diamond. (Ya know the hardest substance in nature made up of carbon ,the element which has the highest melting point about 3500 °C...okay I'll stop.)
When he stares at me with those naive eyes I can't do anything...I melt...UNDERSTAND ME!

Those EYES.

• They are intrusive stalkers.

They will follow you everywhere.

In your bedroom,

In your toilet,

In your marriage,

In your funeral,

In your coffin.

• You will be robbed.

Your canine will steal your food, belongings, underpants and of course, HEART.

• Separation Anxiety.

They fear getting separtated from their owners (can we blame them for that? THEY LOVE YOU!)

But sometimes it turns into anxiety if you leave them alone quite often .

They can't tolerate you leaving them so much that they scratch you and bite you to death, which makes them permanently separated from us.

Disclaimer: The lines above are purely a work of fiction. C'mon they won't bite you to death! They will only cause some injuries that are as painful as death.

• Your ears will burst.

Dogs have the most annoying voice. Adding on to that, they are loud.
So get ready to get deaf and a terrible migraine.
And complaining neighbors.
And disturbed sleep.

• The excretory system.

If your dog is not potty trained,(which he or she will not for the first few months) they will excrete in your house on ungodly places such as the carpets,beds, couch and you have to clean it (if you can). It takes immense willpower, strengh and endurance as the smell is disgustingly disgusting.
I am saying this from personal experience. The smell always made me gag.
Pro tip: take out your shirt, make a ninja mask by it,cover your face, stop breathing ,immigrate to Jupiter and clean that shit!
It takes actual ninja techniques to do that.
Good luck.

• This is how my dog made me homeless.

Dogs are living organisms so they need food to survive ( I DONT KNOW WHY I AM WASTING YOUR TIME TELLING YOU THIS)
Unluckily,they aren't autotrophs, so they depend on us for food.
Yup, for them we are plants.
Now the problem arises:
Dogs have special needs and nutrient requirement and to fulfill them we have to provide them good quality food which is hella expensive.
More expensive than antimatter.
And that is how I lost all my money and now I am homeless.
On top of that, these crapheads keep eating shits which are toxic for them and then get sick which means more money wastage on the vet.
And all the vets in my area suck.
Here's why:

• They are expensive.
• They are time wasters
• They aren't available 24/7, so at times of emergencies you are doomed.
• I don't trust them as I think they have bought their degrees, not even knowing that dogs wag their tail when happy.
• They are more into making money than helping them.
• They are rare. So if we know one, we have to go to them even though they suck and are charged to murder 2 pups with their medicines.

• Smell.

You will smell of dogs. Sorry, I mean STENCH!

• Dog diggers.

Your friends are not your friends.
They are your dogs'.
They don't love you.
They love your dog.
They are your friends only because of your dog.
They are dog diggers.
Trust me, when I was a dogless doglover, I was friends with people only for their dogs.
But that doesn't mean you are friendless.
You have  a friend, your dog. (Pardon me if you don't have one.)
They are your only 'real friends'.

This is an incident which will proof my above statements.

Me: You know I think messages like :
fwd dis too 74825 frands and u wil becom rich ,don't ignore you can die, pls send  pics dear ;
should be banned and people who send such messages should be hanged.
What do you think?

*le hydrogen sulphide smell*

Friend: Omg, did you just fart? It's digusting.
Me: No didn't. I guess it was my dog, he even had diarrhea recentl-
Friend: Stop blaming that cute little guy. Come dear, you don't hafta stay with this fatass cylinder...come with me I will...
My dog peed on her.

• Capturing moments.

I seriously don't understand how people click photos as such.

Because whenever I try,this is the result.

And after trying a billion times,

This is the result I get.

• MENTAL DISORDERS.

This is a brief conversation between me and my friend which will tell you exactly what I am talking about.

Me: Hey you know today is saw a man in the gym, he did not have a bellybutton! 

Goddamn aliens do exist!

Hey? Are you  listening?

Friend: Shut up and tell me the truth!

Me: What? I am serious! I did see him!

Friend: I am NOT TALKING ABOUT HIM!!

I know it's hard but..

Me: What are you talking about?

Friend: You can fight it ,I will help you.

But please stop doing this to yourself.

You can fight it.

Me: Dude, I don't have cancer.

Friend: Shut up. And stop it.

Me: Stop what?

*with a grave look*

Friend: Stop. Cutting. Yourself. Stop. Self. Harming.

Me: I don't...

Friend: You think I am blind? What are those marks on your hands?

Me: Oh this!My dog scratched me.

Friend: You don't have to hide anything from me.

You are not alone.

Me: I am not lyi..

Friend: Shh... It's okay. You can fight this.

Me: *facepalm*

• Not for the weak of heart

Now you see, dogs are excellent lovable creatures.
If you get one, you are gonna get profoundly attached to them.
They will be like your family member....and as you know.....
Death of a family member sucks(I had to say this, it's time to get a reality check)
It's downright harrowing.
And it pains my heart to say that your pooch may die before you.

If something happens to them, it's like second death for you ( Trust me ,I am saying this from experience.)
And as I told you before, (did I actually tell you?) dog do things which makes them prone to fatal diseases and affection ( eating toxic substances etc.)
The get sick which is not only frustrating  and tiring for you as you gotta take them to a vet anyway, but also painful.
It is so stressful and you will lose your sleep.
Cause of course, no one wants to see their loved ones sick.
The others issues can still be bearable, but this is not.

So before you get a dog, make sure you have a strong heart.

• Conclusion.

Having a dog seems an endless amount of work.
But it's worth it.
Why did I say this ?
Because they even have perks.
So why was I whining about their problems?
Because I wanna make you familiar with their behaviour so that dogs get the love they deserve.
So you don't end up doing something that will disappoint and harm them.
Dogs are amazing creatures and we apes don't deserve them.
But if you give them the care they deserve, congratulations!
You have evolved from an ape to a man ( for dogs).


I suck as an owner, he tolerates me, just like I tolerate him.

So next time you to are asked to give an example of a symbiotic relationship, write a man and a dog.
I am serious, I tried it. 
And you won't believe I didn't get any marks for it!
Dog hating teachers. 

More dog content!
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Funny dog memes.

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